Girls Don't Poop!

My housemate reminded me tonight that girls don't poop. I almost forgot until he told me! How silly of me to be hoping to excrete all this food I'm eating through my anus, I guess it's back to the old purging board! Some women have been known to poop up to every nine months! I ate such a big meal tonight, with my housemate... I had to wait until he went into his room and then... I pooped. I pooped so hard. I felt guilty, knowing it makes me less of a woman. I had an impulse to yell down the hall "I'M POOPING! I'M POOPING!" part of me felt like Scarlett O' Hara... when she found all those carrots and was excited to eat. I was excited too! However, no one can know. Should I give it up for adoption or just throw it in the dumpster? Tell me quick because poop's getting all over my keyboard and is only minutes from becoming self-aware.

I often feel like Ms. O'Hara, but sometimes I feel like Malcolm X- all free at last, free at last... but the kind of "free" that makes me want to change my given name to a new Muslim name. Malcolm X was Martin Luther before he became King of the Panthers. True story, I teach history... or I dated a history teacher, he cheated on me, so I will cheat history. Who wins that battle? Me.

Some people think I am insensitive or racist. I don't know about that. Why, just today I was standing next to a black man on the bus and I didn't vomit or gush blood... I couldn't really have done anything because I was so worried about my purse! You know who is racist? This 2.5 year old boy I help take care of... He calls every black man he sees "Obama". What a little turd! However, we get along pretty well, I call every fat black woman I see "Precious".

There was a lot of poop talk in this one, plus more typical race stuff, then I threw a spin on it with a kid story, but brought it back with fat black ladies. I want you to see what else happened today:

Euthanarium®*!

Hey kids! Do you want to go to the aquarium? Yeah? How about the Euthanarium®*? Oh, you don't know?
You're so stupid at this age (6).

The Euthanarium®* is where families go to feel safe and see live action! Why should loveable/ aggressive pets be the only things put to sleep? I'm not sure if you know this, but to some people you're one sexy 6-year-old and you would look mighty fine with a wad of underoos in that tiny mouth. What is sexy? Well, it's debatable.

All advertisements aside folks, I found myself telling a mom at the park today that I thought "pedophiles should be euthanized." I didn't know this woman, but somehow that's an appropriate topic of conversation in a liberal city where no one (but me) thinks the death penalty is okay... why didn't I follow it up with a gem like: "... I mean, pedophiles is one thing, but I think it's totally fucked up about abortion! What if that baby is the coming of Christ? Can you imagine?! Some rakish 14-year-old had the nerve to start wearing make up before marriage and seduces her uncle; now she wants salvation vacuumed out of her? What does she need? to make room for her teachers and cousins... [shrugs shoulders] kids today!" The woman was polite, but did not engage me further... that's okay, I wasn't getting paid to impress her ripe-ass anyway.

Why are pedophiles let back on the street with little more than a "tisk- tisk and here's some food/ shelter for awhile"? Does anybody get that this is a disease that spreads like wild fire? I work with kids and it's so scary, I can't even fathom having my own sometimes (especially girls because from about 14-27 they are pretty much worthless). The thing that sucks is that we can't just hang sexual offenders- or make a reality show out of it.

Euthanarium®* is a place pedophiles get sent to fight to the death. It's a 2,000 gallon tank that is slowly filling with water (there's a ceiling on this place people!), but only one can be fished out alive and only after all the others have died at the hands of one another! When we fish the "winner" out, we can try him for murder and seek capitol punishment!
Maybe you're a bleeding-heart-castration-advocate. Castration doesn't make sense because a lot of times they just use their fingers or tongue (maybe something laying around the kitchen). If they're over 25, they're stuck in their ways and if that way is fingering the asshole of a toddler- can't we get creative?! There should be something done. Killing is pretty extreme and despite my stance, I was never molested, but I am pretty sure my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend was. Which makes no sense, because I am way prettier and she's super boring.

I'm sorry you read this, unless you liked it... and then I would have to agree with you.

*- ® is a lie... I haven't even registered to vote.