One of my best friends (if I am not too old to say that) is getting married to a lovely woman whom I approve of (you're welcome Rebecca). However, there are some "issues".
Vince says my attendance is mandatory at their May/ June 2011 nuptials, but Rebecca's super religious Grandparents- who Vince is dedicating "half" the wedding to- may not be able to handle anything I would say in a toast. Nevermind that I may not be able to handle their smell or the ominous reminder that death is inevitable. They believe in Jesus and Hell, so I should just keep my mouth shut about reality for 2 hours on a farm in Wisconsin... a state I can't even spell (making that the region's fault, as I am a spellaholic).
Vince says my voice is very important- and really wants me to talk about him (remember: toast NOT roast!(stupid Vince said that))):)) So I am going to work out some hypothetical scenarios before the big day. A year isn't much time to change who I am... oh sure, I don't HAVE to... Vince DID say I could talk after the Grandparents left, however, that is probably after cake and I don't know that I can wait that long before running my mouth. He also started giving me clauses, like he were a network or something.
Without further ado, a delving into the colorful speech I may (or may not) make next year:
HENCHMAN #1:
[clinking glass] The honorable and highly successful friend of Vince, a woman who needs no introduction- other than this one (by contractual agreement)- will speak a few hours about whatever she pleases.
ABBEY:
Friends, lovers, hypocrites, I stand before you today a toned size 4-6 and I am disgusted by the filth that surrounds me [farts loudly]... what is this a FARM?! I was talking to this one guy- I forgot his name because he was boring, but there he is in the stupid clothes [pointing at an "important" family member] and he was going on and on about this guy [drunkenly points to Vince] and I was like "big fucking deal- why are you so chubby?!"...
ABBEY:
[27 minutes later]... so when I put the jeans on, I was SHOCKED because I hadn't been doing as much cardio as I normally do, but I still lost weight. You might ask me "how?"- well, shut up dummy- you wouldn't know! I did it by having sex in public more and giving more blow jobs- which really curbed my desire to nosh...
ABBEY:
[43 minutes later]... and so it cleared up, but my dress was ruined. Anyway, I am going to get out of here because my buzz is wearing off, but before I go- I would like to say a few words about the groom: he cheated on Rebecca- with a black chick.
ABBEY:
[6 minutes later] Just kidding guys. Vince is a great guy and I am happy to see him with such a lovely lady- her Grandparents are a bit unreasonable, but she's got a good head on her shoulders. Let's eat!
END SCENE
I may write more of these, but it seems I barely have time to write at all anymore, so we'll see.
