Keeping The Wheels Turning.

Lately, I have been a sad puppy, if puppies could eat chocolate without dying- amirightladies?!

I have been hesitant to write on "momwantsmedead", because my mother and I have been on good terms lately, but I figure I could write here again because the last time we talked she seemed to be in a manic phase that had me on an axis of compassion and fear. I dealt with that as a child and that shaped me amongst other awful things. I probably wont talk to her for 7 months or so.

So far, a sad start to the humor blog- I know. It's amazing how little you know when you're younger- how unaware of the world you are or your own meager place in it. I look at forty year old women and wonder how infantile I must sound based on how twenty year olds can sound to me. I know a lot of older women are threatened by younger women, because a lot of men would rather be with younger women and where is a woman's right to exist if we aren't being happily filled by a man?! However, I believe they want younger women because they don't want to be with someone who intimidates them- they want to be adored also they are so tight. I will end up with a man who LOVES a challenge and will be celibate before that, so that by the time I find him, I'll be tighter than a virgin. I will challenge him in ways he doesn't expect, (irreverence alert!) like when I violently try to eat my ear before he cums. If a man can't hang with the fact that I spit when I say the word 'fart', well he's not the man for me. He might also be put off that I fart when I spit.

Part of being constantly creative is creating. There are times, like now, I am deep in the misery of unresolved insecurities and the burdens of an unkind past. I see the world though an out-dated prescription and I'm paralyzed by the vision. The jokes come very sporadically, the effort to write anything is tedious and the snooze bar is worn under my palm. However, I have lived long enough to know perspective, that this will pass and I will be my friend through it. I feel a mix of gratitude and hopelessness that I don't have someone to care for or who I can expect to care for me.

I am at a coffee shop, across from a long, lean man. His brow is furrowed in a philosophy book. It's about "God" and whether or not science buried it. I am not sure what God he is interested in, but I am starting to think that if science is under scrutiny, he only knows one God and I am not a child of that fella. Either way, this guy has the sniffles and maybe I could give it another go, taking care of someone other than myself with the insidious entitlement that they meet my emotional needs when they've recovered. Ah, a pull from the past, presently plaguing my joy. No, I will just look at his exposed legs and imagine them flexing into the cunt of a more accommodating young woman while I sit in the corner cross-eyed, attacking the side of my own face with my own, outspoken mouth.

Buy Sir Richard's Spermicide and Condoms

I recently was a part of a commercial campaign for Sir Richard's condoms. I was filmed saying that I wouldn't let bowlers into my vagina... which isn't true, but neither is democracy, so here I am- a political comedian. I am writing on this blog for the first time in a year to share the following comment left on Youtube regarding the commercial I was in and my thoughts on it:

most of these women are in their 30's and therefore men dont want to be in their vagina lets face it the only men who want to hook up with women over 30 are emotionally co-dependent mammas boys looking for their mommy replacement. normal men dont want women over 30. not even normal men over 30 want women over 30.

At first I felt terrified that he was right. My last boyfriend quickly moved on with a 20 year old, who writes things that seem as useless a contribution to the world as damp kindle to a campfire. Meanwhile, I am 30, single and hire a male massage therapist when I need to be touched... which is about now. After the terror subsided, there was anger... probably because I am still afraid of any truth in it. I could get into a whole thing about being angry because I'm a feminist, but I will save that losing battle for 20 year olds who think they're feminists because they've had one boyfriend and own wool.

I was just walking down the street today, feeling so fucking confident in who I was, only to question it against the daft ramblings of a 41 year old male who goes by the moniker "signboyy"... "signboyy", ey? What is that for? Like astrology or do you hold them up for work? I like to think that this guy does see himself as the authority of manhood based on all his experience on youtube. Maybe you can be just as prolific if you start here, by watching this 55 second promo for Sir Richard's:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrhgJBpUa3Q