Oh today.
Today is a Thursday... Or am I not supposed to say that? I don't have a computer yet, but I do have, in my possession, an iPod touch. It isn't mine, but I'm getting my own Saturday. I won't bore you with the details- you came to be inspired or laugh, maybe you just came to judge me... Which on the iPod touch, when typing "me" it got real close to being entered as "ms" (my NY resolution is to lose weight in my fingers), "judging MS" would have made you an even bigger asshole than you were when you were just judging me... I mean, to other people. Not to me, in my book, me-judging is almost the most offensive thing in the world, next to old people kissing- EEW!
When I turn old (40), I won't kiss my husband... Maybe not even my kids because of how hideous I stand to look doing it. Heck, the sight could just about give you MS! What's MS?
No time now- I have to talk about humanitarianism.
No kissing and no pictures as soon as I turn 40. That's going to be a hard sell to the paparazzi, who will no doubt be hounding me by then (just look at this talent), but I'm sure the world is only getting more civilized, so probably won't have to worry about that or even try to live by example- this stuff just happens... Usually after a good rain shower. I was going to edit this last sentence to be less rambly, but fuck it! I'm blogging on an iPod touch.
Right now this is just a "note", but soon it will be an anecdote to the absurdity of your life. Is that hard to read, maybe it doesn't go down well. The truth never does. Hey, I'm just going to undermine the lives of people who read this far into one of my "stories". This seems like a good way to get ahead... Or "some head" if I were a man (I'm so close), but seeing as my balls haven't housed themselves on the outside of me in a leathery satchel called a "scrotum", I can only be considered a woman with too much confidence. This is why I'm single, in case you were wondering (everyone does). Back to scrotums; it's my belief that if linguists were coming up for the name today, they would have called the skin around the reproductive nest egg on the male anatomy "Angelina Jolie's Lips". That's my snarky celebrity bit... I don't really feel that way, but I haven't really felt since childhood. I also think that a scrotum looks like an old person's neck... Which is why watching Something's Got To Give (starring Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson- as two old people kissing) is like watching a boxing match between nut sacks.
Have a great Christmas or whatever.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Abbey Jordan: Professional Reference
Oh hey Internet, good to see you're still applicable... I mean I never doubted you. What?! I didn't- I just thought with Y2K and all, you'd end up being a vehicle for the return of Jesus, but Facebook is good too... and I don't really follow Jesus anymore, wait! Is he on Twitter?! I don't even Tweeter, honestly didn't think it would last, like employment in my early twenties, but aren't I surprised?!
I am.
I have found myself to be in a position as a good employee and a valuable addition to the companies I work for. I work for families and it's perfect... sure, Starbucks didn't get me, but a human does... especially when they are young enough to feel joy still. Sigh, we all miss it, don't we? Rhetorical, of course we don't! Joy is in achievement and we're so busy hoarding accomplishment our closets are pouring over with skeletons.
Not mine.
I have personally embarrassed and alienated myself at any opportunity given, so that the only skeletons that emerge from my closet (embarrassments) are when you can't see my skeleton anymore! Yep, big Abbey is starving because fit Abbey tries to find affection outside confection. I'm still looking, so we're all a little famished over here at Camp Abbsies, but some news fills us more than others... like when our friend is job searching and uses us as a professional reference.
This ACTUALLY happened and I'm expecting a call ANY SECOND now from L'Occitaine. It's a smell good company, but it's also a place in France. They are calling ME for a REFERENCE! I haven't done this before, but I imagine I just have to come clean about all the jobs I lost. Luckily I am learning French, so I can tell them about it in a broken version of a language they probably don't speak anyway. Furthermore, she put me down as a "comedy colleague", so I should probably try to be funny at every turn!
**** example ****
THE MANAGEMENT: So, Abbey, how would...
ME: [interrupting] Don't wear it out!
THE MANAGEMENT: What?
ME: Oh sure... ly. Hey, that guy died! ce mec est
mort!
THE MANAGEMENT: Thanks for your time.
ME: Derien!!!
****** end ******
Now I know how Robert Downey Jr. felt when he finally got due respect with Iron Man. I am a professional reference! I can't wait to be the BEST professional reference on the application. It's probably going to take some extra congeniality because this girl knows some stuffy fucking people (she's a law student)
****** example ******
THE MANAGEMENT: Good day Ms. Jordan, how do you do?
ME: Regards, I am well, however perplexed as to whom you might be.
THE MANAGEMENT: My name is Reginald Cologne and I am ringing on behalf of a Comedy Colleague.
ME: Affirmative, [insert researched political bit here] how can I help you Reginald?
THE MANAGEMENT: You are the most articulate reference we've called thus far!
ME: Merci beaucoup! Je Parle Francais aussi!
****** end ********
So any minute I should be getting a fax, inviting me to answer their telephone call. I bought a fax machine and land line for this occasion and I can't wait! I also am having business cards printed that read:
ABBEY JORDAN
Professional Reference
www.facebook.com/abbsiessauce
!!!
I am.
I have found myself to be in a position as a good employee and a valuable addition to the companies I work for. I work for families and it's perfect... sure, Starbucks didn't get me, but a human does... especially when they are young enough to feel joy still. Sigh, we all miss it, don't we? Rhetorical, of course we don't! Joy is in achievement and we're so busy hoarding accomplishment our closets are pouring over with skeletons.
Not mine.
I have personally embarrassed and alienated myself at any opportunity given, so that the only skeletons that emerge from my closet (embarrassments) are when you can't see my skeleton anymore! Yep, big Abbey is starving because fit Abbey tries to find affection outside confection. I'm still looking, so we're all a little famished over here at Camp Abbsies, but some news fills us more than others... like when our friend is job searching and uses us as a professional reference.
This ACTUALLY happened and I'm expecting a call ANY SECOND now from L'Occitaine. It's a smell good company, but it's also a place in France. They are calling ME for a REFERENCE! I haven't done this before, but I imagine I just have to come clean about all the jobs I lost. Luckily I am learning French, so I can tell them about it in a broken version of a language they probably don't speak anyway. Furthermore, she put me down as a "comedy colleague", so I should probably try to be funny at every turn!
**** example ****
THE MANAGEMENT: So, Abbey, how would...
ME: [interrupting] Don't wear it out!
THE MANAGEMENT: What?
ME: Oh sure... ly. Hey, that guy died! ce mec est
mort!
THE MANAGEMENT: Thanks for your time.
ME: Derien!!!
****** end ******
Now I know how Robert Downey Jr. felt when he finally got due respect with Iron Man. I am a professional reference! I can't wait to be the BEST professional reference on the application. It's probably going to take some extra congeniality because this girl knows some stuffy fucking people (she's a law student)
****** example ******
THE MANAGEMENT: Good day Ms. Jordan, how do you do?
ME: Regards, I am well, however perplexed as to whom you might be.
THE MANAGEMENT: My name is Reginald Cologne and I am ringing on behalf of a Comedy Colleague.
ME: Affirmative, [insert researched political bit here] how can I help you Reginald?
THE MANAGEMENT: You are the most articulate reference we've called thus far!
ME: Merci beaucoup! Je Parle Francais aussi!
****** end ********
So any minute I should be getting a fax, inviting me to answer their telephone call. I bought a fax machine and land line for this occasion and I can't wait! I also am having business cards printed that read:
ABBEY JORDAN
Professional Reference
www.facebook.com/abbsiessauce
!!!
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