See the Forrest For The Gump

I am on a computer with a defunct 'R' (the '5' just flipped over when I typed that) and sometimes it doesn't click, which makes me grumpy or "gumpy"- which I like a lot more. When I'm "gumpy", it negates "grumpy" because "grumpy" is way more Lieutenant Dan and, let's face it- I'm feeling pretty "gumpy"... RUN SENTENCE RUN!

I have been sans laptop for a bit now and haven't made as many improvements as I thought I would... I can barely speak French and I'm only 200 pages in to reading Atlas Shrugged for my second time. I still have things getting in the way of myself and my goals. They aren't things outside of myself, but diversions I imbibe in to avoid living in the moment or being productive. I am aware of them and the hollow results they bring, but I engage for as long as I can before exhausting all of my vitality. It's not "why?" I do it, but "how can I get on with it"? Surely there is something I can blame it on, leaving me unaccountable... oh yeah, there isn't. When did THAT happen?! I feel like all I want to do is be alone or at a comedy mic. I do 6 shows a week and other than that, would prefer to be anonymous in public- to everyone. Community makes me want to live on a boat, but who could I tell my jokes to? They aren't my jokes, they're the Collectives'. If that is true, then what is the credit I get for telling them? I don't even care right now... I want to be on a boat, just like Forrest Gump. If this computer had its way, it would be a "shimp" boat. Hilaious.

There isn't a whole lot funny about wanting to be alone all the time. I have crushes, but I resent any distraction they impose to my psyche... where would I fit in a date when I barely see established friends? I wont date because I would only resent someone from taking me away from my own focus. I am also a little raw from my heart being broken by a beer cozy a couple months ago (that's right computer, a "bee cozy" does sting). I feel like I can't talk about it because there is nothing to say and maybe that's why I want to be alone all the time. What can you do when you get foiled by a beer cozy besides can it and chill out for awhile. Reading Ayn Rand doesn't help me want to talk to people either.

I am writing to write, to produce, because every time I think about the week and a half that passed since I produced a blog, I feel betrayed by myself and that makes me gumpy.