My Yoga Boat Needs A Skipper!

I wish my friend were back from Costa Rica because I have a fancy crush on my yoga instructor… I need her there with me to help me giggle every time he touches me during class. If we giggle uncontrollably, I will seem easy going and he’ll want in on the joke, plus maybe she’ll fart (knowing her) and I can console her as she cries her embarrassment into a child’s pose. I’ll say “shhhh, it’s okay, it’s totally natural… I’m so comfortable with the human body and my body- which is why I can cum like 7 times while boning.” He should hear this (I’ll be shouting) and run over to ask me out.

In an ideal world, a man will ask you out when you shout about orgasms. However, in San Francisco, I’m told the men are notorious for not asking ladies out. I wasn’t aware I moved into a gigantic vulva, but that would explain all the pussy. Fuck. I will tell you this: I’m not pursuing another man- again. I have taken initiative too many times and I was only lucky they were potty trained... There is a story about one guy who wasn’t, but he was also like 3 years old, so I try to be compassionate… also before you go thinking “oh my God, she dated a 3 year-old?!” You should know he was a dog, so he was more like 18 years old. (This last paragraph was mostly parenthetical)

I don’t get why men are intimidated by me… Is it my personality? I mean, I am a powerful woman, but that shouldn’t… is it my looks? What- the 6 inch stilettos? The latex leggings? The high powered- portable fan I wheel in front of me to keep my perfectly coifed do out of my precisely made up face? Can they tell I’m waiting to change them? Better them than me, that’s what I always say (in my head), out loud I talk about letting the change begin within. Oh, if I were only a minority… I don’t know why, other than I wouldn’t seem so racist when I opted to only date my own race. White boys are so dreamy. I digress.

I hope that me talking, earlier, about how my friend farts, isn’t a trespass on our confidentiality, but she (or he) farts sooooo bad. I miss him or her.