Abbey Jordan: Professional Reference

Oh hey Internet, good to see you're still applicable... I mean I never doubted you. What?! I didn't- I just thought with Y2K and all, you'd end up being a vehicle for the return of Jesus, but Facebook is good too... and I don't really follow Jesus anymore, wait! Is he on Twitter?! I don't even Tweeter, honestly didn't think it would last, like employment in my early twenties, but aren't I surprised?!

I am.

I have found myself to be in a position as a good employee and a valuable addition to the companies I work for. I work for families and it's perfect... sure, Starbucks didn't get me, but a human does... especially when they are young enough to feel joy still. Sigh, we all miss it, don't we? Rhetorical, of course we don't! Joy is in achievement and we're so busy hoarding accomplishment our closets are pouring over with skeletons.

Not mine.

I have personally embarrassed and alienated myself at any opportunity given, so that the only skeletons that emerge from my closet (embarrassments) are when you can't see my skeleton anymore! Yep, big Abbey is starving because fit Abbey tries to find affection outside confection. I'm still looking, so we're all a little famished over here at Camp Abbsies, but some news fills us more than others... like when our friend is job searching and uses us as a professional reference.

This ACTUALLY happened and I'm expecting a call ANY SECOND now from L'Occitaine. It's a smell good company, but it's also a place in France. They are calling ME for a REFERENCE! I haven't done this before, but I imagine I just have to come clean about all the jobs I lost. Luckily I am learning French, so I can tell them about it in a broken version of a language they probably don't speak anyway. Furthermore, she put me down as a "comedy colleague", so I should probably try to be funny at every turn!

**** example ****

THE MANAGEMENT: So, Abbey, how would...

ME: [interrupting] Don't wear it out!

THE MANAGEMENT: What?

ME: Oh sure... ly. Hey, that guy died! ce mec est
mort!

THE MANAGEMENT: Thanks for your time.

ME: Derien!!!

****** end ******

Now I know how Robert Downey Jr. felt when he finally got due respect with Iron Man. I am a professional reference! I can't wait to be the BEST professional reference on the application. It's probably going to take some extra congeniality because this girl knows some stuffy fucking people (she's a law student)

****** example ******

THE MANAGEMENT: Good day Ms. Jordan, how do you do?

ME: Regards, I am well, however perplexed as to whom you might be.

THE MANAGEMENT: My name is Reginald Cologne and I am ringing on behalf of a Comedy Colleague.

ME: Affirmative, [insert researched political bit here] how can I help you Reginald?

THE MANAGEMENT: You are the most articulate reference we've called thus far!

ME: Merci beaucoup! Je Parle Francais aussi!

****** end ********

So any minute I should be getting a fax, inviting me to answer their telephone call. I bought a fax machine and land line for this occasion and I can't wait! I also am having business cards printed that read:

ABBEY JORDAN
Professional Reference
www.facebook.com/abbsiessauce

!!!