Jesus Christ Super Starbucks

I am sitting at a Starbucks in Glenwood Springs, CO... I left after I wrote that, now I am somewhere else. Pretty honest of me to tell you that. I could have said that I was still in Starbucks, on my 5th cup of mint tea and you wouldn't know the difference between that and a chai at Auto Zone (free wifi).

That is how you know you can trust me. I will tell you what inspired me to write a blog today and you will know I am being completely honest because of my last paragraph.

I was sitting across from a couple guys, they seemed outdoorsy and reasonable. However, they weren't. They were talking about Jesus and stuff... about wanting the bible taught in school. I don't think there is anything reasonable about loud Jesus talk.. why is over hearing a Christ convo like hearing about someone beating their dog?

It's not that Christians are bad, but it's that they all beat their pets. You know who is really good to their pets, Muslims (Sufi)! Yep, this is all probably a thorn in the hat of Jesus. He is, no doubt, rolling over on his cross, because he really loved his dog.
Jesus was like Paris Hilton in that sense... he was always carrying Sam Sam everywhere. Unlike Paris Hilton's dogs, Sam Sam was a pit bull, but super affectionate. Jesus chose to carry Sam Sam because Jesus was a strong man. He was so strong he died for your sins, but was indifferent to dying... "Let's just get this over with, so I can finish building stuff." That's what he was recorded saying on the cross, then he said "Sam Sam!"

The truth is, the only reason there is official proof (paintings) that Jesus cried on the cross was because he missed Sam Sam. It's ironic that all Christians ended up being so into animal cruelty. Maybe it's to do with the fact that Jesus loved his dog more than any of us.

I am more of a cat person, but I'm not religious.
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Euthanarium®*!

Hey kids! Do you want to go to the aquarium? Yeah? How about the Euthanarium®*? Oh, you don't know?
You're so stupid at this age (6).

The Euthanarium®* is where families go to feel safe and see live action! Why should loveable/ aggressive pets be the only things put to sleep? I'm not sure if you know this, but to some people you're one sexy 6-year-old and you would look mighty fine with a wad of underoos in that tiny mouth. What is sexy? Well, it's debatable.

All advertisements aside folks, I found myself telling a mom at the park today that I thought "pedophiles should be euthanized." I didn't know this woman, but somehow that's an appropriate topic of conversation in a liberal city where no one (but me) thinks the death penalty is okay... why didn't I follow it up with a gem like: "... I mean, pedophiles is one thing, but I think it's totally fucked up about abortion! What if that baby is the coming of Christ? Can you imagine?! Some rakish 14-year-old had the nerve to start wearing make up before marriage and seduces her uncle; now she wants salvation vacuumed out of her? What does she need? to make room for her teachers and cousins... [shrugs shoulders] kids today!" The woman was polite, but did not engage me further... that's okay, I wasn't getting paid to impress her ripe-ass anyway.

Why are pedophiles let back on the street with little more than a "tisk- tisk and here's some food/ shelter for awhile"? Does anybody get that this is a disease that spreads like wild fire? I work with kids and it's so scary, I can't even fathom having my own sometimes (especially girls because from about 14-27 they are pretty much worthless). The thing that sucks is that we can't just hang sexual offenders- or make a reality show out of it.

Euthanarium®* is a place pedophiles get sent to fight to the death. It's a 2,000 gallon tank that is slowly filling with water (there's a ceiling on this place people!), but only one can be fished out alive and only after all the others have died at the hands of one another! When we fish the "winner" out, we can try him for murder and seek capitol punishment!
Maybe you're a bleeding-heart-castration-advocate. Castration doesn't make sense because a lot of times they just use their fingers or tongue (maybe something laying around the kitchen). If they're over 25, they're stuck in their ways and if that way is fingering the asshole of a toddler- can't we get creative?! There should be something done. Killing is pretty extreme and despite my stance, I was never molested, but I am pretty sure my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend was. Which makes no sense, because I am way prettier and she's super boring.

I'm sorry you read this, unless you liked it... and then I would have to agree with you.

*- ® is a lie... I haven't even registered to vote.