I got a call from my agent today (you know the one- Dr. Everything Be Alright) and she says that I'm huge in Russia! This news cannot come at a better time because I really need to move into an apartment. I have been sleeping on a forensic science nightmare for the last month and the only thing between me and sweet comfort is about $1,400. Surely Russia can help. I mean, look what we did for Haiti in this economy! (I hatey to make it a competition, but...) My back feels like Darfur + 911 + World Trade '93, not to mention (yet) that I can't find a thing to wear with all my stuff in boxes. Where's my telethon George Clooney?!
So in real life I am a stand-up comic, writer, take the trash outer, small talk with stranger specialist and I also work various other unpaid jobs. However, in Russia, I am a famous fashion designer of swim suits and sundresses! My picture is all over their Queen's panties! I guess it makes sense because I am part Czechoslovakian, which is still, today, a beautiful country inside of Russian territory. I think my Mom was like a cat and that I have several different fathers (I also think, as a kitten, she was left in the microwave too long). According to National Geographic I am originally from Africa, which explains my compulsive desire to yell out "MY NIGGA", but this has yet to yield any grant money from my Niggas over at the NAACP.
I recorded a bit, byte, clip for all of my fans in Russia. I did this before I was informed that my swim line isn't selling because it's 10 degrees. Also, on a production front, nothing has been made due to everyone thinking the designs are "ugly and tasteful". When my agent (position available) said I was "huge in Russia", she meant "fat and plain looking". So all I can really do is wait for NAACP to get back to me about my request for $1,400. They could also just be a co-signer for a $50,000 loan, enough to get me through the year. I think within a year I will have made it big, if not for stand-up, definitely for doing the dishes.
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