I Really Mean It.

I will explore the experience I have when I go into grandiose confidence on stage... I can accept that the quips might not be very funny, but the way that people seem to take it really blows my mind.

If I brag about having an iPod touch, you can't think that this is me placing my worth over yours. This is me, bringing to light that I have my notes written on an iPod touch and that's why I'm holding it on stage. If you're still working with an archaic note pad, well I have compassion for that. Vintage really only works with clothes and wine, but you're trying and I commend that. Good for you.

Seriously though, I do have an iPod touch... poor people can only steal them and I bought mine by working and setting aside money to get it. Sometimes, I just put my hand on it and feel better about who I am as a person. I am functioning in a respectable society. I write this as I watch commercials for gadgets I will soon own, as well.

A canvasser asked me if I had time for the environment and I said "is that an app?" she looked at me bewildered and I said "I don't have time for anything but my iPod touch... 32 gigs, very spendy."

That's not true, though. I also have time for my MacBook Pro. I am typing on it right now, but I'm also sitting next to my iPod touch and my phone. I also have a phone, there are only a handful of friends I can still call on it because everyone is so jealous of my success. I just took a photo of myself sitting at a coffee shop with my computer. Everyone is so jealous.

I have $1.13 available funds in my bank until my $2,054 check clears. Deposited it on Saturday and it's Tuesday... I feel hungry, but I wont eat because I have to wait. Luckily, there are a lot of distractions here, on the internet. I look at Oscar photos and know I am not far from looking that good now that I'm starving.

I am flying on an airplane tomorrow with my lap top, iPod touch, iPod nano, and my phone. Thanks America.

This Was Edited And Posted After The Fact.

Hey everyone! Greyhound has free wifi, so I am VIRTUALLY cruising.

There was actually one seat left on this hub of a hot spot and it is right next to the toilet! How convenient... well, not right next. I have two heavy-boy-bookends, who have probably robbed something... like my personal space! It’s okay, though because I was so lonely in my early twenties, that now it just feels like soul mates. Also, it's a great exercise in being assertive, something I have never had an issue with.

me: “are you awake now?”

ex-con: “huh?”

me: “yeah, I’m going to need my seat back because my thighs are sweating too much by being forced so close together.”

x: “you got any R&B on your iPod”

me: “I have a little, why, you want to listen to my iPod?”

x: “yeah”

me: “you can’t.”

x: “why?”

me: “because it’s mine and I’m using it.”

Stop talking to me while I have headphones in, people!

So, you might think I am complaining- I am just illustrating that these people are out there. The terrorists need to know what to attack next. Hey TERRORISTS, you’re wasting your time trying to get back on airplanes... all the WORST people are on the Greyhound and there is absolutely no security! I am only telling you this, because I will never ride on one again.

Another strong point was that I was doing a show right after I got off the Greyhound that night and I was on the phone with my friend, who was picking me up, when I mentioned something about the show... Little did I know that ears are EVERYWHERE on a Greyhound, just dying to talk to me about MY LIFE!

passenger: “I couldn’t help but strain to hear your muffled, but brief conversation... did you say you were doing a show?”

me: “yes, I did.”

passenger: “what kind of show? What do you do- are you an actress?”

me: “a comedian.”

passenger: “COOL.”

Here’s the thing about being a comedian, I don’t want anybody I don’t know to know about that. So now, the whole back of the bus knows this about me to the point that I get asked "where are your smiles?!"

“OH MY SMILES?! Is my face an unpleasant backdrop to this joyously delayed trip in the heaven wagon?! Why, they must have been SQUEEZED out of me by the two beef patties in this backseat burger! OR they were fumigated out by the facilities half a midget away from me."

Speaking of small children, yes- one is screaming 3.5 feet away from me. How can I think?! I CAN’T and that’s how Greyhound likes their customers: mindless. So I am doing a fine job fitting in and luckily it's getting dark.

Outside the bus, during a pit stop, my future agent/ the inquisitive eavesdropping passenger is asking even more questions:

passenger: “are you famous?”

me: “no”

passenger: “oh, well you get paid, though.”

Not really, but I didn’t have the heart to break it to this star struck kid, who couldn't handle the reality of doing something for nothing while he was still under the impression that a famous person might be sitting behind him on a bus in the middle of Colorado. Only somebody who rides a Greyhound bus could possibly think that someone famous might be riding the Greyhound bus.

Anyway, a 2 hour and 50 minute bus ride is going on 6 hours, but at least I have a scarf to bury my face in when I see someone get up to use my bedside-public toilet. When I see someone coming, that's when I fart real hard, because- why not?!

I would continue writing but this 6'5' giant is reading over my shoulder and where his eyes go, his legs follow, so if I want to walk again I better shut this lap top... I don't think he can read so much as he is waiting for pictures to show up on this "book".

Deer Poop

I am living in Carbondale, Colorado for the next few weeks. Carbondale actually stands for "deer poop"... things we didn't know- ey? And Carbodale is all over the ground out here! I think there is more Carbondale than grass.

Deer poop looks like this:



I have only been here a day and deer are already like homeless people to me. "Stop shitting on my side-walk, Joe!"

(Joe was a homeless fellow who shit on my block a lot in San Francisco.)

Joe's poop looked like this:



I don't really know what Joe's name was, and come to think of it, his poop really looked like this:



Alright. I guess it is nice that deer don't leer or smell violent... in fact, they are pretty pleasant- except for:



I guess it could be worse:

Mostly Stuff That Happened

Okay... I saw a psychic last night. I paid $20 for a reading. Do you know what she told me? That I need to start having more sex. I told her that she should make more money because that's such a wonderful idea! "How do I do it?" I asked. She looked a concentrated look into my energy field and replied "have fun- you're young." I thought it was a little trite, being that she was 16 years old and pregnant, but okay. "Hopefully I don't have too much fun [pointing to her stomach]... What did your mom say?". "She don't OWN ME!" Bitches be trippin', right?

So here I am at a coffee shop "having fun". They have the music on a Beatles station and I have sat through at least 6 songs now... the fun couldn't get more penetrable (grrrrr)! One of my favorite activities is flying, but on an airplane, not with my super powers (I get motion sickness). I like flying on commercial airplanes and packing a little snack to tide me over until I arrive at my destination. I usually steam some broccoli and hard boil some eggs- then, halfway through my flight, open the Tupperware and look around the cabin like "who farted?!". Maybe I do need to get some dick in here to fuck all these unattractive thoughts from my hamster head.

I am sitting in Philz coffee shop, which is a famous local chain in San Francisco. I am at the original one and Phil is just walking around- (doesn't this guy work?!) mingling with the female clientele. He sells his "signature fedoras" and pounds of coffee. He has all sorts of pictures of himself all over the walls. Phil creeps me out. He reminds me of a Rat Villain in a kid's movie. He always looks at me like I should be so excited to see Phil of the coffee dynasty. I feel for his employees and I just wish he'd go home. Does the NFL let their mascots bumble around the field when the team is playing? Phil is in the way. I am sad for his children... not really, but I wish there were somewhere to put this guy!

That's all.