This Was Edited And Posted After The Fact.

Hey everyone! Greyhound has free wifi, so I am VIRTUALLY cruising.

There was actually one seat left on this hub of a hot spot and it is right next to the toilet! How convenient... well, not right next. I have two heavy-boy-bookends, who have probably robbed something... like my personal space! It’s okay, though because I was so lonely in my early twenties, that now it just feels like soul mates. Also, it's a great exercise in being assertive, something I have never had an issue with.

me: “are you awake now?”

ex-con: “huh?”

me: “yeah, I’m going to need my seat back because my thighs are sweating too much by being forced so close together.”

x: “you got any R&B on your iPod”

me: “I have a little, why, you want to listen to my iPod?”

x: “yeah”

me: “you can’t.”

x: “why?”

me: “because it’s mine and I’m using it.”

Stop talking to me while I have headphones in, people!

So, you might think I am complaining- I am just illustrating that these people are out there. The terrorists need to know what to attack next. Hey TERRORISTS, you’re wasting your time trying to get back on airplanes... all the WORST people are on the Greyhound and there is absolutely no security! I am only telling you this, because I will never ride on one again.

Another strong point was that I was doing a show right after I got off the Greyhound that night and I was on the phone with my friend, who was picking me up, when I mentioned something about the show... Little did I know that ears are EVERYWHERE on a Greyhound, just dying to talk to me about MY LIFE!

passenger: “I couldn’t help but strain to hear your muffled, but brief conversation... did you say you were doing a show?”

me: “yes, I did.”

passenger: “what kind of show? What do you do- are you an actress?”

me: “a comedian.”

passenger: “COOL.”

Here’s the thing about being a comedian, I don’t want anybody I don’t know to know about that. So now, the whole back of the bus knows this about me to the point that I get asked "where are your smiles?!"

“OH MY SMILES?! Is my face an unpleasant backdrop to this joyously delayed trip in the heaven wagon?! Why, they must have been SQUEEZED out of me by the two beef patties in this backseat burger! OR they were fumigated out by the facilities half a midget away from me."

Speaking of small children, yes- one is screaming 3.5 feet away from me. How can I think?! I CAN’T and that’s how Greyhound likes their customers: mindless. So I am doing a fine job fitting in and luckily it's getting dark.

Outside the bus, during a pit stop, my future agent/ the inquisitive eavesdropping passenger is asking even more questions:

passenger: “are you famous?”

me: “no”

passenger: “oh, well you get paid, though.”

Not really, but I didn’t have the heart to break it to this star struck kid, who couldn't handle the reality of doing something for nothing while he was still under the impression that a famous person might be sitting behind him on a bus in the middle of Colorado. Only somebody who rides a Greyhound bus could possibly think that someone famous might be riding the Greyhound bus.

Anyway, a 2 hour and 50 minute bus ride is going on 6 hours, but at least I have a scarf to bury my face in when I see someone get up to use my bedside-public toilet. When I see someone coming, that's when I fart real hard, because- why not?!

I would continue writing but this 6'5' giant is reading over my shoulder and where his eyes go, his legs follow, so if I want to walk again I better shut this lap top... I don't think he can read so much as he is waiting for pictures to show up on this "book".